|
|
King Zoloft and his merry meds
By Tim Rundel, Yukon Review
WINNING COLUMN-May 2004
I am a product of the eighties. Mullet haircuts, collars flipped up, 501 jeans and Huey Lewis. Who knew that Huey Lewis was a prophet? His song, "I Want a New Drug," should be the theme for 50 percent of commercials on television today. (The FCC requires that the other 50 percent must have someone driving a really fast car through the desert.)
Drug companies are doing their job in the advertising world. While dining with my wife and kids, I overheard my kids discussing the name of the king of some computer game. I heard my daughter say it started with the letter Z.
Thanks to my hours of mindless television viewing and my quick wit (my wife mistakenly refers to it as sarcasm), I blurted out, "King Zoloft!" My daughter said, "Dad, Zoloft is a drug, not a king!" I asked her how she knew about Zoloft and she told me, "You know Zoloft, the commercial with the sad egg that gets happy after taking Zoloft." That’s comforting. My 10-year-old now knows about top notch depression medication. Are they pushing anti-depressants on Nickelodeon?
Maybe. Drug companies spent $2.7 billion advertising their product in 2001. They now spend more on promoting Viagra and the "Little Purple Pill" than they do in research and development. That’s comforting.
They can’t find a cure for cancer, but they can convince us that if we would just take their magic pills, we could go for jobs on the beach and dig for clams – activities that were impossible before Vioxx. I’m not sure what Vioxx is but I do know that if you’re old and you take it you’ll be digging for clams in no time.
I don’t know much about what these drugs do because they rarely say what they cure. I recently discovered that the reason they don’t disclose the cure is because it requires them to also disclose the side effects. That, too, is comforting.
I guess they figure we’ll go to our family doctors and ask. They’re right. According to a recent survey, 30 percent of people say they’ve talked to a doctor about medications after seeing an ad, and 44 percent of those received a prescription from the doctor.
The day has arrived where the patients are now running the asylum. I could never muster up the nerve to tell my doctor that I just diagnosed myself thanks to a snazzy commercial.
Commercials are supposed to make you hungry or feel jealous that you can’t drive your crappy car 140 m.p.h through downtown New York City. Evidently, some people don’t mind asking their doctor about magic meds.
Patient: Doc, I’m feeling a little sluggish. What about that drug on TV where that guy is taking a bath on the patio next to his wife who is taking a bath in a separate tub? Can that drug help me?
Doctor: I don’t think that particular drug is going to help you. I’m going to write you a prescription, and you will be throwing a Frisbee to a dog on the beach by the end of the week.
Patient: I don’t own a dog.
Doctor: Okay, okay, Mr. Dog Hater. I’m going to write you something that will make you run through the park in slow motion with a pretty woman and laugh for no apparent reason.
I don’t know much about drugs. I’m kind of scared of them. Last Christmas I got an early gift – stomach flu. After losing about 8 pounds in 36 hours and nearly passing out, I decided that maybe medical attention might be for me. I was given a prescription to help me cut down on my "reading time" and allow other family members to utilize the facilities.
While at the pharmacy, the pharmacist warned me that this particular drug could make me very drowsy, and I should watch my dosages. "For diarrhea?" I asked.
She said, "Oh, yes, this drug can be very addictive." Great. "Hi, my name is Tim, and I’m addicted to diarrhea medication." Robert Downy Jr. and Ozzy Osbourne will be mocking me all the way to rehab.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m thankful that these drug companies are coming up with cures for my future ailments. I just think I’m ready for the good ole days. I don’t need to know what dysfunctions Bob Dole or Mike Ditka suffer from.
If I want to know which prescription is right for me, I think I will stick with the tried and proven method…rifling through my friends’ medicine cabinets.
I’m kidding. I’ll just ask my daughter.
|
