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Liberals, Democrats masters of chaos theory
By Leif M. Wright
WINNING COLUMN - January 2002
According to the chaos theory, as I type this, several monks in Tibet are grabbing their shins in pain that they can't explain.
As the theory goes, every action has the potential to cause a completely unrelated reaction– or at least unrelated as far as we can tell.
Therefore, I'm sorry in advance to the Tibetan monks. And now that I've written a couple more paragraphs, I'm pretty sure there's a tsunami building somewhere in the eastern Pacific.
So if the chaos theory is correct, it's easy to see how our current economic woes are not the fault of former President Bill Clinton.
It's not the final result of eight years of fiscal incompetence that brought the onset of our recession in October 2000, three months before President Bush took office.
Instead, it undoubtedly was the flatulence of some arboreal hog in Madagascar that brought it about.
Of course, since I don't really know if arboreal hogs live in Madagascar– or any kind of hogs, for that matter– I'm only guessing they might be the cause.
For all I know, it could have been a Miami teenager snoring too loudly.
I think if we extend this theory, using what appear to be liberals' laws of logic, we could say that Republicans are to blame for the economy's dive because they allowed big oil companies to take a pass on environmental standards.
(At this point, it's required for you to ignore the fact that, after bankrolling the Bush presidential campaign, huge oil company Enron donated $100,000 to Democrats a short time before it went belly up.)
Now, you obviously are not following liberals' laws of logic, because you're thinking in your head, "What in the world does the environment have to do with the economy?"
Poor, simple child that you are.
You see, spew from the oil companies' evil products sent huge clouds of gas to the atmosphere, which caused at least three blades of grass in Argentina to die.
Those blades of grass would have been eaten by a cow, which would have been slain by evil carnivorous people.
But since the evil people were thwarted because the cow starved to death without the three blades of grass, they had to move to Maryland and witness their football team losing in an embarrassing blowout to Florida.
That and the fact that the football team's nickname is inexplicably the Terrapins confused them and let them wandering around for days.
Democrats immediately assumed they were homeless, sent them to liberal talk show host Rosie O'Donnell's home, where her bodyguards shot them for vagrancy.
And then the economy took a nose dive because Bush was selected, not elected.
Ta-da. You're now qualified for a doctorate in both chaos theory and liberal logic.
Oh, and I'm sorry to whoever gets hit with my tsunami.
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